I don’t know whether this feeling got hold of me only or anyone else! For the past few months, at the end of each day, I used overwhelmed by this feeling-guilt!
Guilt on the fact that I left behind so many tasks unfinished- I haven’t played for a quality time with little Shreya, nothing has been studied as planned, no exercise has been done as planned, no prayers have been offered as planned, no phone calls been made as planned, nothing has been written as planned etc...
Guilt on the fact that I let my mood swings control me at many times-I yelled at Shreya for simple things, I let bad experiences from the past dominate my mind to screw up many of my quality time, I scorned my husband for things for which others were responsible, I hate people for forcing their opinions on me etc. Overall, by the end of the day, I felt tired of being guilty for making everything wrong!
I attributed this guilty feeling at first to my ‘new sitting at home’ status. Then, I started worrying about why this feeling ever let me free. I tried to distract myself by reading spiritual books, watching movies, cooking experiments and engaging completely in household chores. However, at the end of each day, the feeling of guilt grew stronger.
The situation got worsened by people who tried to force their way of living for me. Though, I didn’t seek opinion from anyone, many considered it as their duty to educate me on the roles of a homemaker as opposite to that of a career woman. I must confess that life was in a chaos at that time. I tried to perfect in everything and even a small suggestion for improvement made me nervous. I even started considering my life as futile and failure.
Thanks to the many books that I’ve read during this time, I decided to give myself a second try. As a first step, I avoided all the rules and regulations set to me by myself in order to please others. I was ready to become a ‘bad woman’ as some people might call me. I stopped making conversation with people who might crush my spirit, I started taking some leisure time of my own, I started viewing Shreya as another being, who can spend at least some time in a day by herself and finally I accepted myself with all my follies.
I realize that I am not an angel and not expect to make any mistakes. I am a common human being in flesh and blood, who cherishes the close knit family, rejoices the company of like-minded friends and loved ones, feels happy to get noticed, gets proud in own talents, keeps the grudge in mind, avoids people possessing nagging manoeuvres, hides the little inferiority complexes and over all learns many lessons through mistakes.
As of now, I am contend the way I am! Tomorrow, I may get again upset with these traits of mine and I may struggle to change myself also. However, I think, I’ve learnt the basic lesson now. Overcome the feeling of guilt! I don’t want anyone to consider me as angel with no follies. I have my negative side as well kept as my positive traits. I am not ashamed of that. More than that, I am proud about what I am and always will be.
P.S: I never wanted to write these feelings in public. However, as I was chatting with a younger (in age) friend of mine, she confessed many of her similar dilemmas to me. She says that she overcame those negative feelings after I shared mine with her. She asked me to write this and this is for you my dear friend
Guilt on the fact that I left behind so many tasks unfinished- I haven’t played for a quality time with little Shreya, nothing has been studied as planned, no exercise has been done as planned, no prayers have been offered as planned, no phone calls been made as planned, nothing has been written as planned etc...
Guilt on the fact that I let my mood swings control me at many times-I yelled at Shreya for simple things, I let bad experiences from the past dominate my mind to screw up many of my quality time, I scorned my husband for things for which others were responsible, I hate people for forcing their opinions on me etc. Overall, by the end of the day, I felt tired of being guilty for making everything wrong!
I attributed this guilty feeling at first to my ‘new sitting at home’ status. Then, I started worrying about why this feeling ever let me free. I tried to distract myself by reading spiritual books, watching movies, cooking experiments and engaging completely in household chores. However, at the end of each day, the feeling of guilt grew stronger.
The situation got worsened by people who tried to force their way of living for me. Though, I didn’t seek opinion from anyone, many considered it as their duty to educate me on the roles of a homemaker as opposite to that of a career woman. I must confess that life was in a chaos at that time. I tried to perfect in everything and even a small suggestion for improvement made me nervous. I even started considering my life as futile and failure.
Thanks to the many books that I’ve read during this time, I decided to give myself a second try. As a first step, I avoided all the rules and regulations set to me by myself in order to please others. I was ready to become a ‘bad woman’ as some people might call me. I stopped making conversation with people who might crush my spirit, I started taking some leisure time of my own, I started viewing Shreya as another being, who can spend at least some time in a day by herself and finally I accepted myself with all my follies.
I realize that I am not an angel and not expect to make any mistakes. I am a common human being in flesh and blood, who cherishes the close knit family, rejoices the company of like-minded friends and loved ones, feels happy to get noticed, gets proud in own talents, keeps the grudge in mind, avoids people possessing nagging manoeuvres, hides the little inferiority complexes and over all learns many lessons through mistakes.
As of now, I am contend the way I am! Tomorrow, I may get again upset with these traits of mine and I may struggle to change myself also. However, I think, I’ve learnt the basic lesson now. Overcome the feeling of guilt! I don’t want anyone to consider me as angel with no follies. I have my negative side as well kept as my positive traits. I am not ashamed of that. More than that, I am proud about what I am and always will be.
P.S: I never wanted to write these feelings in public. However, as I was chatting with a younger (in age) friend of mine, she confessed many of her similar dilemmas to me. She says that she overcame those negative feelings after I shared mine with her. She asked me to write this and this is for you my dear friend
2 comments:
Nice posting. I can totally relate to you in playing the part of a Stay at Home Mom and the frustrations related to it. I too have that guilt feeling sometimes. But some days I am too busy to think about that. What others think of me and what are their opinions doesn't bother me at all. Maybe I should tell that others doesn't bother about me much because I am an outcast already. ;)
Cheers,
:)
@ My World, Thanks for the post.You should be thankful at times that others don't bother about you. But, you cannot escape from people who love you, who'll definitely pester you with their admonishes. There is no escape even if you consider yourself as an outcast or not! hehehe
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