My Birthday Contradictions

My Birthday Cake

It was my birthday on the previous day. My dear ones started wishing me happiness and good luck since the clock ticked on to the day. The day went very well with happy moments with Sreejith and Shreya; merry talks with my family, loving wishes from my dear ones and a memorable birthday dinner.

Anyone can call me vain to take happiness from these celebrations when many people go unattended on this day. But I look forward to these loving gestures and caring on my birthday even when I tell ‘no, no’ at times. They make me feel alive, happy and merry, for this is a day that the God has chosen for me.

Amma used to tell a lot about my birth. In those days she had done no scanning prior to her delivery and they were expecting twins due to the weight of the unborn baby. Due to the taste of her pregnancy craving, the women in the village also had predicted that the baby would be a boy. There, I was born miscalculating all predictions. 

I was born at 5.45 am exactly at the time of sunrise on that day. My mother still nurture the belief that I’ve the caliber of a rising sun that I would be really smart, caring and will come out from troubles shining. I still haven’t told her that someone had accused me in the later years of my life that I’m a disgrace for such kids born in the early morning hours; since I’m lazy, cold and aloof. Well, as for me I am neither over smart nor lazy but just capable of surviving. I am caring to those whom I care for and aloof to those who irritate me. One thing for sure is that I struggle my best to come out from troubles! In this case I definitely cannot be compared with the rising sun.

It seems, my mother held me to her chest and uttered a small prayer in my little ears soon within an hour of my birth. I don’t know what she prayed. When she saw me hours later the delivery, I had both my little hands in mouth. My hunger was insatiable in the younger age and she had spent many sleepless nights trying to comfort me. Now, when I am with her, she tries to revoke my hunger with her culinary experience. But I feel that my hunger- physical as well as emotional- has reached a controllable stage.

Many people were not so happy with my birth. I cannot blame them since a second baby girl brings an unhidden sorrow to many faces even on these days. But there were also people who just loved me and loaded me with caring only for this status. My maternal grandmother was one among them. I still faintly remember her words:

You shouldn’t cry when you fall down. You are the second girl in the family. No one will be there to wipe your tears and you’ll have to shamefully do it yourself. Better put a brave face and be courageous.

 Her words were not entirely true. There were people who wiped my tears when I cried. But may be because of the impact of those words, I always preferred not to show my tears to anyone unless my tear glands betrayed me.

My mother was alone with me in hospital ward on the night of my birth. Naturally I was unaware of her feelings and might have snuggled comfortably in her warmth. This may be the reason I might have felt a protective comfort from none other than her in my life. But today when I am with my family there are other two precious ones in my life who came later in my life but gave me almost the same feeling.

In the next morning of my birth, the room might have crowded with the visitors who wanted to have the first look at me. But the day of my birth was over! Unlike my birth day, my birthdays in the following years had well wishers and loving ones whose number grew consistently. As my last birthday got over, I felt that there are only contradictions on the day as compared to my day of birth. All over, life is nothing but a phenomenon with contradictions, right?

Through the Memory Line of Kathakali

The navarasas:  love, contempt, sorrow, fury, courage, fear, disgust, wonder, peace.

 In dance as in life, we do not need more than nine ways to express ourselves. You may call these the nine faces of heart.

In time each one of them would remember it differently. But for as long as they lived, it wouldn’t ever that fade: the memory of that moment of grace.

                                                                  (p.1) Mistress By Anita Nair

I’ve just started reading Anita Nair’s novel Mistress and got stuck in the cover page itself. The cover page is of Kathakali¹, the very own art form of my birth place. It was an art form that I enthusiastically watched during my childhood and put in the back corner in the following years. Still, when I hear someone talks about Kathakali my ears go to it without even understanding the main share of the conversation.

Shaantam²

The deafening and enticing music, the feeling of tender breeze on a hot summer night, the glimpses of mythical characters in bright costumes before my little sleepy eyes, the eager faces of my beloved ones to watch the performance, the soft whisper of Valiamman³  or Amma⁴ explaining each of the movements,  the drip into sleep during the early hours of dawn, the sleep on sweet smelling  grass and soft prickling sand and finally the faint feeling of my beloved ones' protective hands around me with the rhythm of music. My first childhood memories of the great art of Kathakali are these.

I never realized the greatness of Kathakali as an art form in my childhood days. It was just an art to pass time as movies and film music. Amma used to talk about it as fluently as she tells anything about a movie. At my Ammath⁵, the only music that one can hear was those of Kathakali songs or Carnatic music. The Mathrubhumi weekly that I regularly followed in those days always carried articles or autobiographies of Kathakali artists. Naturally, the aesthetic taste for Kathakali seemed to be so natural at that time. I was familiar with the names of Pattikkamthodi Asan, Ramankutty Asan, Kalamandalam Gopi Asan and Kottkkal Sivaraman as I am with Mohanlal, Mammootty, and Amitabh Bachchan etc in these days.

I remember the performance days when Nelliodu Vasudevan Nambudiri, his son and his daughter Maya took rest at our home. I was so excited to meet them as I get a chance to meet film stars. As the father, son and daughter took new roles Dussana, Roudra Bhima and Draupadi in Duryodhana Vadham⁶, I actually wondered on their wonderful talent to change from soft-spoken personas in real life to the powerful or violent characters on the stage.  

Karunam⁷

Days passed and so changed my interests too. After the loss of my grandparents, Amma didn’t try to make any possible excuse to visit Ammath. Thus, reduced my chances to watch Kathakali performances and to get authentic comments on it from Valiammaman. Amma kept her natural interest in the art, watching the performances on TV or by visiting any nearby performances. The performances on the TV were less interesting for me than the live shows. I accompanied her on some live performances and soon stopped as other things in life took my priority. The last performance, for which I went there was a rain and I remember taking shelter on the stage itself!

The scene from Duryodhana Vadham

Very soon, my interest in the Kathakali decreased to the diminishing point. However a spark of interest lay under the ashes. That may be the reason that I found the lyrics in Duryodhana Vadham⁸, where Draupadi addresses Lord Krishna as a friend to help her in keeping her vows became so dear to me. For years I played and replayed the Padam⁹ ‘Pari Pahi Mam Hare¹⁰,’ whenever there was a slight reason to worry. Miraculously the lyrics and the voice of Sri Venmani Haridas in this padam used to revive my spirits.

Haasyam¹¹, Raudram¹², Beebhalsam¹³ & Veeram¹⁴

In life you won’t be enjoying the same pleasures at every time. When you are in bad times, you might feel intolerable for everything you had in your good times. So felt me too. At first, fear kept me close with prayers and devotional music. Later, when life started to take me through the roller coaster drive, I felt furious and disgusted! At this time, my faith in Lord Krishna swayed to the root and even in my interest in music stopped. I didn’t listen to music for years. 

Sringaaram¹⁵

There is a turning point for every good or bad event in life.  After the storms the sky became clear with the radiance of love in my life. That’s when we met some people who are madly in love with the art of Kathakali. Though we were not discussing the art during our meetings, the hidden interest started to spark again in me. I watched two-three performances again on TV and realized that I can’t understand even a bit of the story without assistance.

There are many people in my generation who finds the interest in this art form trendy and pursue it with attentive efforts. But, where did I leave my interest in this art? 

Adbhutham¹⁶

Kathakali performances not much interest me as it did in my childhood days. I still love the ‘Padams’ but far away from the aesthetic sense to Kathakali that my family possess. I still have the respect for the art but can’t decipher its intricate forms. I still marvel some stories that are too familiar to me. When I see notifications for any Kathakali performances in nearby auditoriums, my heart longs to see the performance, though I cannot make it at many times. 

Even then, sometimes I hear the loud music and see glittering images of Kathakali in my dreams. I wonder is this because the spark of interest for this art, passed through my lineage lies dormant in me!

 Glossary

1. Kathakali: It’s not easy to give an explanation for Kathakali in a short paragraph. Born in Kerala during 17^th century, this art form comprises many other art forms in it such as dance, music, instrumental music, make up etc. In earlier days, Kathakali used to be performed in temples but now has got stages in auditoriums and abroad too. You may get more authentic information here (http://www.kathakali.info/)
2. Shaantham: The literal translation of the Malayalam word can be peaceful detachment. This is a form of expression in Kathakali. In the present context the word implies blissful detachment from worldly affairs due to childhood ignorance.
3. Valiammaman: Eldest maternal uncle
4. Amma: Mother
5. Ammath: Grandmother’s house
6. Duryodhana Vadham: This story comprises the final events in Mahabharatha. The events include Duryodhana’s visit to Indraprastha, his humiliation, the planned dice game, the insult of Draupadi, her vow to tie her hair with Dussana’a blood, Lord Krishna’s visit to Duryodhana as a messenger, the war between Dussana and Bhima, Draupadi fulfilling her vow and Bhima being blessed by Lord Krishna.
7. Karunam:  The literal translation for the Malayalam word Karunam is mercy or kindness. It can also mean sorrow in Kathakali and so is implied in the present context.
8. Duryodhana Vadham: Same as in 6
9. Padam: Padam means lyrics or music used in a Kathakali. The music for a story is usually referred as Kathakali Padam.
10. Pari Pahi Mam: This is a beautiful scene in Duryodhana Vadham. In this story, Draupadi addresses Lord Krishna as a friend and request him to help her keeping the vow. She is sceptical that her husbands may agree for reconciliation if Duryodhana inclines for it and forget about her vow. So she beseeches Krishna that he should go after seeing the pitiable state of her hair after the vow and should do his part to commence the war.
11.  
12. Haasyam 12.Raudram 13.Bheebhalsam 14. Veeram: These expressions in Kathakali means Contempt or mockery, fear or anger, disgust or dangerous and courage or valour respectively. In Kathakali as in life, these expressions signify bad times. In the present context, they imply the idea that I felt fear and disgust at the initial stage of my bad days that turned into contempt in the later days. However it required ample courage to save myself from these negative auras.

15. Sringaaram: Many of you may not need explanation for this word since in any language one might learn the word for love.

16. Adbhutham: The literal translation for this word means wonder or surprise. In the present context the expression indicates my wonder at the curious ways of life.

A Love Note to the Confused Couple

My dearest friends,

Today is Valentine’s day, a day to celebrate love. I had actually planned to write one short write up for my blog about this day, but left the idea later. However, both of you are in my mind for the past few days and the previous night, I decided to write for you in my blog as a Valentine’s Day special.

Since this is a public forum I keep your identities as a secret. Therefore I’ve decided to address you as Mr. and Ms. as I’ve never addressed you in real life.

I’ve talked with you for ample time in the past week about what’s going on in your life. Both of you’ve told me your concerns and feelings. I still don’t know where you have reached! I know both of you ‘Love’ (It’s such a strong word) each other but confused and scared...

Both of you are confused and scared because of your past. Interestingly you’ve the same concerns about moving further in your love for each other. Your fear makes you blind of the real love that you feel.

Just imagine yourself in your college days. If you’d felt this love in those days, would you put it aside by being practical? You must’ve gone against the world to make it fulfilled. I know that times have changed and both of you are scalded with the unfortunate incidents in life. So many people have troubled you in life. But why do you hesitate when life tries to mend its austerity by bestowing the best people in your life?

As from my experience, life won’t give you many chances to find solace and happiness. If you don’t make a correct move at the correct moment, you might have to travel a long way as in peak hours of Bangalore traffic (sorry for the bad joke). Both of you wish this to happen, but think too much to complicate the issues.

I agree that this is your life and you’ve to think practically. But how much will you know about a new person if you want to get married to her/him? Both of you know each other for years! Both of you know each others' bright and dark sides. Both of you know that marriage won’t be a flower strewn path but will be pricked with thorns also. In that case, why don’t you try to cross the hurdles together to get united?

I know Mr. that you consider Valentine’s Day as just another day in a year. Yet, don’t you think that you can make this one special? Ms. I know that you always cherish some special days. I don’t know your view on Valentine’s Day but why don’t you have an open talk with him today? Now, if you’ve already planned something like that, I’m sorry! It’s not because I’ve asked him/her to do so. That shows his/her real concern to you.

So far, I’ve supported (or persuaded?) you. Let me confess that I’m not being nosy but concerned about both of you. Yes, I’ve a selfish motive too that I won’t lose you as friends after you get married. Now, if you ask me to stop this preaching, this is the last one from me.

Jokes apart, if you’ve decided to let go this love unnoticed, I may consider that as a right decision too. That’s again because; both of you each know each other well than I know you. You might have had an open talk and realized the real hurdles that cannot be removed from reaching your goal. There may be something that you cannot compromise to each other. Even then, I and Sreejith will be there for you as good friends. Whatever your decision may, we are there with you.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Note: If anyone else other than the people mentioned above, happens to read this article, please feel free to pass your comments. But, I’m sure that I won’t disclose their identities and any more details :)